Blokes On Soaps

Max Branning on why he doesn’t feel people should waste their time watching tomorrows royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Midleton at Westminster Abbey

“We’re not watching it. No we aint. I’m losing a days business thanks to the royals, so don’t think I’m gonna be sitting their celebrating. It’s out or oder innit. I mean, who are they anyway? They’re just people. People with poncey, plummy voices and that’s it, big deal. I’m not jealous, what you talking about. I’m just a working man aint I. A solid citizen. I don’t need some stuck up, ooh ray Henry ruining my Friday thank you very much.”

It’s enough to get any self respecting hetrosexual man’s pulse going. A very fit woman doing the ironing in the middle of the night. And that is what Home and Away treated us to with the latest twist in April Scott’s OCD storyline.

After being chucked into the swimming pool by Heath Braxton at a recent party, April has taken a turn for the worse and decided to start ironing in the middle of the night. She also rearranged Irene’s entire kitchen by colour and size, making everything perfect. And the best thing about it all? She did it once again wearing an insanely low cut top exposing a delightful amount of cleavage

She irons, she wears revealing clothing and she tidies up. And she is fit. April would make the most perfect wife in the world.

Rejoice fans of Home and Away, Indi Walker is now single following her disastrous attempt at a reconciliation with Romeo Smith. Romeo was the lucky bugger who ended up bedding Ruby Buckton AND dating Indi at the same time, but you can’t have your fingers in two pies and eat them both – as the young lad has found out

Fast forward a couple of days, and Indi is back out in the pull at a university party. Lucky newcomer Kieran is the man she cops off with, although thankfully it was just a bit of kissing and not a full blown relationship at this stage. This is a good thing as it means that if young Miss Walker is going to continue to go on the pull, she will wear cleavage-busting numbers like this delightful yellow top that alerted Kieran to the charms of her cleavage. Phwoar!

Ruby Buckton has been a mixed up young lady since she slept with Romeo only to have all hopes of a relationship with him dashed. Firmly in the rebound category, Ruby ended up hooking up with Casey Braxton in the most unlikely of places….

It all came about when Xavier, Casey and Ruby went to a ‘Rev-Head’ meeting at Deacon’s Point.  On the way back the car ran out of petrol as Xavier is an idiot and doesn’t think about what cars need to run. He had no option but to run to a petrol station miles down the road.

With Xavier away, it gave Ruby and Casey the chance to have a lovely chat. Ruby poured her heart out to him and Casey was there with the tea and sympathy.

Ruby liked what she was hearing from Casey and sits in the car passenger seat whilst flashing a smile and showing off her charms. I wonder where this is heading!

Meanwhile, Charlie caught up with Xavier and drove him back to the car.  Xavier didn’t tell her who was with him and Casey. Charlie is in for a shock!

With no sign of Casey and Ruby waiting by the stationary vehicle, Charlie takes a peek inside, much to her horror….

She discovers Casey on top of Ruby in the backseat of the car, somehow their clothes have come off. How lucky actor Lincoln Younes is, getting to film a sex scene in a car with actress Rebecca Breeds! I hope he made the most of the opportunity and touched her up.

A week later and Ruby arrives at school to stares and laughs from her fellow students. Casey and Dexter have something to show her….

Word had got out about Ruby’s sexual encounter with Casey in the backseat of Xaviers car and someone made a ‘Backseat Buckton’ animation to celebrate her special moment. Needless to say that Ruby was not amused, nor was her mother Charlie who stormed the school in her capacity as a police officer,  looking to press criminal charges!

Since returning from the United States, Roo Stewart appears to have received a personality transplant (More likely the writers wanted to repackage the character after an initial one month stint)  She’s now  fun, cocky and confident  and this hasn’t gone unnoticed by the men of Summer Bay.

It was during a friendly meal with Angelo at his restuarant that she told him of the woes of living at the caravan park, Roo is  particularly unhappy with the lack of hot water in the communal showers. Angleo told Roo how he’s rattling around in a 4 bedroom house on his own and invited Roo to come over to check out his amenities. She jumped at the chance, especially on hearing that the house has TWO bathrooms. Women like that sort of thing.

With the wine flowing and Angelo’s idea of amenities being his heat-seeking love missile, he decided to make a move on Summer Bays newest MILF.

Sadly for Angelo he got a big fat REJECTION! Roo is only interested in being his housemate and laughed off his approach as she claims to be far too old for him. When you look as hot as Roo does for a more mature woman, then you can never be too old!

Thing are going to get a bit more interesting at Angelo’s house as Liam Murphy has now moved in too. Potential for a threesome?

April Scott’s OCD/Panic Attacks have been getting more and more prominent these past few weeks. She finally convinced Dr Sid Walker to remove a harmless mole from her neck. Coloured in multiple copies of a map until it was perfect, then went crazy when she realised she had to transport her work without it getting creased. She then blew up at Liam Murphy for not fixing the electrics that caused Bianca to get a shock at the love shack,  and she also got upset when a classmate borrowed one of her pens.  A distressing time for April, but lots of pleasure for us viewers as Rhiannon Fish has been showing off more of her lovely cleavage.

In the March 18th episode of Home and Away, Ruby Buckton finally got what she wanted — Romeo in BED!
Months ago she was on a crusade to find ‘true love’ and eventually set her sights on Romeo despite the fact he was in a long-term relationship with Indie Walker.

Ruby’s conquest of Romeo took place following a meeting  between Indie and Romeo at the beach. Indie bemoaned the lack of contact between the two of them over recent weeks, Romeo pointed out that it wasn’t really his fault seeing that Indie is now at University with all the activities that go with it. Indie said that that their relationship cant go on if it’s not moving forward and invited Romeo over to the farm that same evening to ‘talk’.

Romeo assumed that Indie was going to be breaking up with him so didn’t bother going to see her, instead he rocked up at Ruby’s house. Little did Romeo know that Indie was planning a night of red hot sex after ensuring the house was going to be empty for the night.

Earlier that evening Nicole had gone over to see Ruby and talked about boys whilst enjoying a hot chocolate. She told Ruby how Indie had planned the special night for Romeo. Miss Buckton was crushed when she heard the news, so she really couldn’t believe her luck when Romeo came calling.

With the knowledge of Indie’s plans, Ruby wasted little time in telling Romeo that she wanted him and not Casey Braxton. Romeo was about to leave when Ruby pounced, taking his virginity away. Romeo is one lucky guy!!!!

Sadly the shows producers opted not to show any scenes of a sexual nature, in fact you didn’t see them in Ruby’s bed at all. There needs to be a petition put together to lobby the show to be aired after the watershed!

Business has picked up in Home and Away these past few months thanks to the introduction of the River Boys from Mangrove River. They decided that Summer Bay offers a nice place to come surf whilst winding  up Jon Palmer and Xavier Austin in the process.

The gang are led by Darryl ‘Brax’ Braxton. He’s a rather fine specimen of a man and appears to have brains as well as brawn. Brax has two brothers, Heath and Casey.   Heath is a troublemaker and enjoys a scrap, like Brax he is another well chiseled chap. Casey is the youngest of the trio and is nothing like his brothers, he’s scrawny and lacking in tatoo’s for starters. He’s joined Summer Bay High and is in year 12 with the likes of Romeo and Ruby.

The River Boys marked their arrival by starting a fight at Angelo’s restuarant, a scene in which the returning Miles Copeland was smashed over the head with a bottle.

Other highlights from the River Boys  have included numerous confrontations with Jon and Xavier, throwing Dexter Walker in the boot of a car and dumping him in the bush, Heath rescuing VJ Patterson from drowning, a fake drug dealing transaction involving jelly beans to annoy the police, and best of all, Brodie towing away Colleen Smart’s caravan during the night whilst she was asleep inside it!

Most interesting of all is the business relationship between Brax and Angelo which was forged when Brax saw that the business was struggling and offered Angelo some cheap alcohol and introduced pizza to the menu and as a take-away offering.  Charlie Buckton is very suspicious of Brax and is tracking him closely, and she has every reason to as it seems that he’s using Angelo’s business for money laundering purposes.

There is clearly a spark between Brax and Charlie, he’s already been arrested  for planting a smacker on her lips, and he even took Leah out on a date in an attempt to make Charlie jealous. Will Charlie be able to resist the Bay’s newest hunk in order to uncover his criminal ways? Or will she fall for his charms and become a crooked copper?

Whilst the River Boys are a welcome addition to the show, it’s a shame that the writers couldn’t have introduced an all girl group that do nothing but hang around on the beach every episode wearing thongs instead. We live in hope!

Summer Bay’s April Scott has turned a little bit weird recently. Ever since she broke up with Xavier Austin following their brush with death after inhaling toxic chemicals, she has become something of a fruit – becoming obsessed with moles that may cause skin cancer, and in today’s episode having to ensure her geography project was perfect to the point where she re-did it half a dozen times.

While this is bad news for her, it is good news however for all us blokes out there. Such was her desire to nail the perfect project, she crept down stairs in the middle of the night wearing her night clothes in order to continue working. And her night clothes were very alluring for men who enjoy seeing April’s delightful cleavage which has been getting more and more involved in recent weeks.

Juding from the “coming soon” trailer at the end of the episode, April is going to admit to Dexter Walker that “everything has to be in pefect order, or else bad things will happen.” We can only hope that this admission does not lead to her seeking the medical help she probably needs, and that the Home and Away writers will drag this out for as long as possible in the hope that it will involve more shots of actress Rhiannon Fish in her nightwear