Blokes On Soaps

EastEnders bosses have finally recast the part of Lucy Beale following the departure of  Melissa Suffield  for reported unruley behaviour back in 2010. 17 year old  Brighton actress Hetti Bywater will fill Mellisa’s shoes and judging by the pictures we’ve found online, she’s rather lovely and even won a national  modelling competition back in 2005 for ‘fashion’ store McKays. Hetti has appeared in  BBC dramas ‘Doctors’ and ‘Casualty’  this year and has already begun filming on EastEnders .

We’ll first see Hetti on our screens in January as the Lucy Beale character returns from her stay in Devon. Her return to the square is rumoured to be because of the death of Pat Butcher. Expect it all to kick off in the Beale household when Lucy meets Mandy!

Michael Moon is a man who is never afraid to give the truth as he see’s it. For this reason, the acid tongued man has become a firm Blokes on Soaps favourite with his brilliant put downs and general observations of what is going on around him Albert Square. Following hot on the heels of our Max’s Advice and Keeping it Real, Ian Beale series, we’ve decided to dedicate a new section to Michael where all his fantastic views are held together in one place.

Michael Moon on Whitney Dean’s somewhat dodgy past:
“Whitney’s a lovely girl. For an ex-prostitute. I think you’ll find that’s what it was. She slept with a geezer for money. That would be a prostitute then in my book”

So, one of soaps most formidible older blokes has now departed our screens following the heartfelt scenes where Jim Branning was taken into permanent care. It was a moving time for all, especially his wife Dot and the blokish offspring that Jim has produced in Max and Jack. As we say goodbye to Jim, let’s take a look back at some of the things that made him, despite his advancing age, a true bloke and an Albert Square legend:

Womanising: Jim is the ultimate elderly player. Despite marrying Dot, he was constantly fighting off the attention of other spinsters around the Square owing to his blokish ways

Gambling: Despite Dot’s Christian views on betting, Jim continued to do so anyway right into his old age

Drinking: Getting a job as a glass collectors in The Vic was a stroke of genius for Jim, as it meant that he could combine the excuse of going to work with that of drinking alcohol despite it being another thing that his wife did not like him doing

Racism: It’s certainly not acceptable now, but Jim was used to tackle racism. We learnt early on that he locked Max in a coffin for being friends with a black boy, and then when daughter Carol marries Alan he refuses to give her away. Initially hostile to blokes who were not white, Jim eventually redefines his views to become a more worldly man through his friendship with Patrick “yeah man” Truman

He’s had a good live in Walford, and there is still the chance that actor John Bardon may pop back for the odd appearance in the future. His stroke in real life though has obviously taken a lot out of him, and all we at Blokes on Soaps can do is wish John the best for the future, and thank the guys at EastEnders for showing us that just because you are a pensioner, you can still be a true bloke

Max Branning on why he doesn’t feel people should waste their time watching tomorrows royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Midleton at Westminster Abbey

“We’re not watching it. No we aint. I’m losing a days business thanks to the royals, so don’t think I’m gonna be sitting their celebrating. It’s out or oder innit. I mean, who are they anyway? They’re just people. People with poncey, plummy voices and that’s it, big deal. I’m not jealous, what you talking about. I’m just a working man aint I. A solid citizen. I don’t need some stuck up, ooh ray Henry ruining my Friday thank you very much.”

Max Branning on what it is like to be a father to a newborn baby, and how you cannot be afraid of making mistakes in such a situation:

“I remember when Abi was born. She was this angry, red faced little thing. Screaming and crying. I was bricking it. Picked her up out of her cot, she put both her hands on my face. She kissed my nose. That was it. I swear to God, I was….smitten.”

Max Branning on why it is important to go to school and get an education, even if you are a teenage girl and are suffering your period at the time:

“Is she going back to school or what? No? Well, that’s alright then ‘cos there’s plenty of jobs out there. What do you mean Mummy understands? Understands what Tan? That she’s going to throw her education down the pan because she’s on her monthly? You know it’s only once a month now aint it. Can’t be that bad otherwise you’d all be dead. She don’t need a hot water bottle. She needs a couple of GCSE’s.”

Ian Beale keeps it real with plans to release his autobiography, and explains just how and why it would be a best seller

“Do you know what, this takes me back to when I was a budding chef. I used to have to go round to my Grans to do all my cooking, make my shepherds pie and stuff. I should write my autobiography. It would be an inspiration to young entrepreneurs everywhere. I mean, they wouldn’t just benefit from my career experience. There’s my wealth of life experience as well.”

Ian then keeps it even more real by indicating just what a bible of advice the Beale Biography could be when he begins quoting this unwritten book to help Masood out of the spot of bother he is in financially

“So you’ve got a cashflow propblem. Does Zainab know about this temporary blip? Mas, Mas, Mas. In business, as in marriage, honesty is the key to unlocking the door to success. Ian Beale – Life in Food, Chapter One. I think you should be honest with your wife. But then again, being honest with your wife never was your strongpoint was it?”

Regular readers of Blokes on Soaps will know the huge concern that we have raised since the departure of Stacey Slater and the subsequent lack of talent available now to EastEnders viewers. Well, the production team obviously share our concerns, as they decided to give us a fantastic viewing of some much-needed cleavage in the shape of Whitney Dean.

Actress Shona McGarty is about to embark on what will no doubt be a hugely challening storyline whereby she descends into the world of prostitution. We recently saw the first steps towards it this week when the very lucky Dave managed to successfully chat Whitney up, only to think that she was a prostitute and thus give Janine £50 to spend the night with her.

That money was then spent by Janine on a new dress for Whit, which had the Blokes on Soaps team roaring their approval when she appeared in the Vic looking absolutely stunning, thanks in part to the large amount of cleavage on offer.

Whitney has been overshone since her arrival on EastEnders by the likes of Stacey who were given raunchy storylines and fine costume choices, but if this weeks episodes are anything to go by that is all about to change and we are finally going to see Shona showing off all of her assets. Long may it continue

Being the dark and dreary East End, it is very rare that you get to see women parading about in very little outside – especially on the last day of January. That all changed though thanks to the grand relaunch of Branning and Branning, the new name for Max’s car lot.

With Jack joining the team, the former copper had the vision and foresight to see that the best way to bring in new customers was to have a fit girl parading about wearing very little. Jodie Gold, daughter of Vanessa and girlfriend of Darren Miller was asked to, in Jack’s words, “show off her credentials.” And the results had blokes up and down the country roaring their approval about actress Kylie Babbington

The delightful use of knee-high socks, a short polkadot skirt and matching shirt would certainly have pulled the Blokes on Soaps team onto the forecourt, without the use of free champagne which seemed to entice most of Albert Sqaures other residents in.

The only one who had any complaints was Darren, who was evidently not happy that his missus was flaunting her fineself to the world, concerned that she would “catch her death”. Mr Miller is not the most intelligent type, as that would have allowed him to play Doctors and Nurses with her, and his pretty rubbish day got even worse when he lost his job, his home and finally Jodie gave him the elbow

No doubt a string of Walford’s finest men will now be queuing up in the hope of seeing the lovely Miss Gold looking like this on a regular basis

EastEnders is about to get another Moon with the addition of Alfie’s uncle Eddie, to be played by pop star David Essex. Since Shane Richie returned in Autumn 2010, he has been up to his usual blokey ways of trying to con people with stories about the Queen Mother’s visit to Walford, finding out his cousin had fathered a child with his wife and wearing ever increasingly dodgy shirts. So another member of the Moon family is sure to increase the blokiness.

The new character will rock up to reconcile with his own son, Michael, who is also set to return following his brief appearance last year. Rumour has it that the two have a rocky relationship and that is going to be a central theme, along with the arrival of some more Moon children, which with any luck will include a tidy female.

David Essex has been married three times and in his role as pop icon no doubt got around a few birds in his time, so I’m sure that the older women of the Square such as Pat, Mo and Dot will be hoping that there is a certain amount of that put into his character and, as one of his more famous hits goes, he will end up holding them close