Blokes On Soaps

Max Branning on why he doesn’t feel people should waste their time watching tomorrows royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Midleton at Westminster Abbey

“We’re not watching it. No we aint. I’m losing a days business thanks to the royals, so don’t think I’m gonna be sitting their celebrating. It’s out or oder innit. I mean, who are they anyway? They’re just people. People with poncey, plummy voices and that’s it, big deal. I’m not jealous, what you talking about. I’m just a working man aint I. A solid citizen. I don’t need some stuck up, ooh ray Henry ruining my Friday thank you very much.”

Max Branning on what it is like to be a father to a newborn baby, and how you cannot be afraid of making mistakes in such a situation:

“I remember when Abi was born. She was this angry, red faced little thing. Screaming and crying. I was bricking it. Picked her up out of her cot, she put both her hands on my face. She kissed my nose. That was it. I swear to God, I was….smitten.”

Max Branning on why it is important to go to school and get an education, even if you are a teenage girl and are suffering your period at the time:

“Is she going back to school or what? No? Well, that’s alright then ‘cos there’s plenty of jobs out there. What do you mean Mummy understands? Understands what Tan? That she’s going to throw her education down the pan because she’s on her monthly? You know it’s only once a month now aint it. Can’t be that bad otherwise you’d all be dead. She don’t need a hot water bottle. She needs a couple of GCSE’s.”

Max Branning on why it isn’t advisable to wish that your ex-boyfriend is dead after cheating on you. Especially when it is your step-Grandmother who has admitted the crime of GBH with intent

“You know Carol told me what you said yesterday. About wishing Connor was dead. Hoping she gets life imprisonment so how’s that gonna help? You know I know your upset you aint the first bird in the world to have her boyfriend cheat on her. It aint just Bianca in trouble, it’s all of us. We keep fighting amongst ourselves we’re all gonna hang aint we. You don’t hate her, you hate yourself. You’ve been such a mug. That understandable but do you think it’s fair to dump it all on Carol? Don’t you think she’s suffering enough? Grow up will ya”

Max Branning on why he would rather spend time with men than women – not that he is homosexual, of course. Max is far too much of a bloke for that

“I aint got a missus. I’m done with all that. Who needs birds. Give me a bloke for a drink and a laugh anyday. I mean women, they’re just too complicated aint they. Always fussing. Plumping cushions. They never tell you what they want do they, I mean they always expect you to guess. I mean a geezer, you know what he wants ‘cos he just comes out with it don’t he, you know he says so. No messing about expecting you to be like Derren Brown.”

Max Branning on why women are best off avoiding getting with gentlemen from across the pond:

“I’ll tell you what, those American lads. They’ll have you knocked up, living in some trailer park, eating squirrell as soon as they’ve looked at ya”

Max Branning on the best way to enchant a woman that you have been interested in for a long time into the bedroom:

“Just chill out will ya. If you want to seal the deal tonight it’s not rocket science is it, just have a bit of a laugh, few drinks, couple of well rehearsed lines. Jodie’s here because she knows you’re a good bloke. You are a good bloke. So just get her hammered. And don’t pull your stitches”

Max Branning on the potential transport nightmare that is getting back from the hospital after having undergone a circumcision:

“That’s if you can get a cab to stop for you afterwards. I knew this geezer who had it done. Tried to get a cab from outside the hospital, all the sudden it blows up like a balloon. Five times the size it was. He had to dive into the nearest shop and grab what he could out of the freezer, he was in agony. No cabs gonna stop for him is it? I mean, there he is, middle of Artilery Road, trousers round his ankles, and a bag of chicken nuggets down his pants.”

If you looked up the definition of “bloke” in a dictionary, it would have a picture of Max Branning next to it. Thankfully for the residents of Walford, Max is not afraid to dish out advice on a wide range of issues from his wealth of life experience. In this new Blokes on Soaps feature, we will put together various nuggets of information straight from the mouth of Max in the hope that it will help you with similar problems that you may be experiencing in your personal and professional lifes.

Max Branning on  circumcision:

‎”Darren, not eating bacon is not eating bacon. If the worst came to the worst I could probably live without bacon. I wouldn’t like it but I probably could. But taking cold steel to the old shrizzlestick mate, thats something else all together. I mean you aint seriously thinking about that are you? Darren, listen to me, I’ve sacrificed a lot for women alright. Me pride. Me self respect. Me marriage. Me mental health. But I’d draw the line at that. I mean, if you was a little baby I’d say yeah, alright, maybe, but you’re full a grown man. It’s gonna blooming hurt Darren. It makes me even want to cross my legs thinking about it.”