Blokes On Soaps

Max Branning on why it isn’t advisable to wish that your ex-boyfriend is dead after cheating on you. Especially when it is your step-Grandmother who has admitted the crime of GBH with intent

“You know Carol told me what you said yesterday. About wishing Connor was dead. Hoping she gets life imprisonment so how’s that gonna help? You know I know your upset you aint the first bird in the world to have her boyfriend cheat on her. It aint just Bianca in trouble, it’s all of us. We keep fighting amongst ourselves we’re all gonna hang aint we. You don’t hate her, you hate yourself. You’ve been such a mug. That understandable but do you think it’s fair to dump it all on Carol? Don’t you think she’s suffering enough? Grow up will ya”

In yet another controversial storyline coming out of EastEnders HQ, it has been revealed that one of our favourite girls, Whitney, is set to go on the game. The situation arises following step-Mum Bianca’s dissapearance (Patsy Palmer has just popped out a baby), during which Whitney runs away from home and adds another complete mentalist to the list of blokes she has fallen for who are, well, wrong (Peter Beale, far too nice; Connor, having it away with Grandmother at the same time; Billie, drank himself to death after being involved in shooting his own uncle; Tony, what more can you say other than he was a pedophile).

Her new fella will be portrayed by former Shameless star Jody Latham, who played Lip Gallagher in the hit Manchester based drama. Unfortunately for Whitney, he is an abusive pimp who forces her on the game for £50-a-time sessions.

The storyline is set to cause further controversy following the ongoing baby swap plot, although we at Blokes on Soaps think it could be a positive thing. There were concerns raised before the pedophile storyline involving Whitney and Tony King, yet that was handled extremely well, thanks in part to the excellent portrayal of the two characters in their relationship by Shona McGarthy and Chris Coghill. Young girls being exploited is a hot news topic at the minute following recent prosecutions in the north of England and is a real issue (unlike a Mother swapping her dead baby for another couples which, frankly, doesn’t happen), and it is good to see EastEnders tackling it and brining it to the fore.

And of course, it may mean we get to see more of Shona in bed. Although she will no doubt not be looking as happy as she does here…

Connor Stanley from EastEnders must be some sort of mentalist. While he continues to have it away with Grandmother Carol Jackson, he has arguably the fittest girl left in the square throwing himself at him in Whitney Dean.

In tonight’s episode, Carol gives Connor the brush off but he definitely get’s the best side of the deal as he makes himself at home in Whit’s bed – and gets to see her looking like this:

It’s a shame that this storyline appears to be wrapping up pretty soon, as it’s big positive has been getting to see Shona McGarty looking stunning at moments like this. And with Stacey gone, us blokes could do with some serious talent like that to keep us tuning in

After all the controversy, it looks like the EastEnders babyswap storyline has crossed a bridge too far in the persons eyes of whom it matters most – actress Samantha Womack who plays the tragic character of Ronnie Branning.

It was announced today that she has quit the soap which means that Albert Square has lost another one of its MILF’s (and nearly a GILF if she hadn’t have told Danielle to have a termination) in protest about the controversial plot whereby Ronnie Braning’s son died of cot death, and then she swapped the baby with Kat and Alfie Moon’s new sprog leaving them to think it was their boy who had passed away.

So far the BBC have received over 3,400 complaints about the storyline which Womack, as a mother herself, expressed her doubts about from the beginning. According to media sources today, she handed in her resignation as soon as she read the script in November but was convinced to stay on and play out the scenes, meaning that she will leave in May – despite the offer of more money and a better contract.

Womack said in the run-up to the airing of the episodes that: “I love EastEnders and the fans enjoy it because it’s hardcore and bleak at times. But I also worry because this is such a traumatic storyline. New Year can be a difficult time for some people, so I really hope this is taken in the spirit in which it’s intended – which is about producing dramatic television.

“I’ve watched the episode where baby James dies and it really is very powerful with strong performances from everyone. Producers are happy with it – I just hope it doesn’t upset viewers.”

Well, it obviously has upset viewers!

And so, Albert Square will say goodbye to another fine woman. With Stacey Slater, Zsa Zsa Carter and Chelsea Fox already having quit last year and new Executive Producer Bryan Kirkwood having taken out Lucy Beale and the original Lauren Branning, the fitness count around E20 is dropping considerably.

But at least Roxy remains – she was always our favourite Mitchell sister anyway…

Stacey Slater will bid farwell to EastEnders on Christmas Day as she bows out of the soap after six years. During that time she has had an affair with her father-in-law, got married twice to the same man, gone totally mental, had a baby, been raped and murdered an elderly man. Not a bad record really – and actress Lacey Turner has come away with countless awards for her portrayal and general fitness as a result.

So, what better way to pay tribute to one of Albert Sqaure’s best (and certainly fittest) characters than with this video montage of Stacey. It’s been a bad year for losing grade-a flange from the show, and Lacey’s departure is the final kick in the bollocks for all us blokes out though. We can only hope she isn’t gone from our screens for too long.

Stacey Slater, on behalf of men everywhere, thank you

Ian Beale is Walfords most successful man. To build an empire the likes of which he owns, you have to be brutally upfront with people, tell it like it is and most importantly of all take no rubbish. In these times of recession, most blokes will look to a man like Bealey to shower them with advice as to how they can be as much of a triumphant story as he is. At Blokes on Soaps we have decided it is high time to record these soundbites straight from the mouth of the fish shop king as a reminder and a guide to those looking to make the most of their lot

Ian Beale keeps it real on what he deems to be unsuitable attributes for a girlfriend for his son:

“I don’t want my son going out with that skank. She’s been fiddled with a pedo OK, she’s living with a woman who collects kids for fun, I mean Jeremy Kyle, even he’d turn his nose up at her. If in someway her breaking his heart addresses his taste in women then great”

It’s been a bloody long time coming, but finally Stacey Slater is showing off some cleavage again. Since the death of Bradley way back in February and the birth of Lily turned young Stace into a MILF, she hasn’t really paraded around in the skimpy outfits that had men across Britain tuning into EastEnders. But all that changed as she blatantly attempted to lure Ryan back into bed this Thursday during their shift together in The Vic

Make the most of it, as Lacey Turner is leaving the soap this Christmas, so there are only a few more weeks remaining of seeing one of the Squares hottest women ever putting it all on display

Max Branning on why he would rather spend time with men than women – not that he is homosexual, of course. Max is far too much of a bloke for that

“I aint got a missus. I’m done with all that. Who needs birds. Give me a bloke for a drink and a laugh anyday. I mean women, they’re just too complicated aint they. Always fussing. Plumping cushions. They never tell you what they want do they, I mean they always expect you to guess. I mean a geezer, you know what he wants ‘cos he just comes out with it don’t he, you know he says so. No messing about expecting you to be like Derren Brown.”

Max Branning on why women are best off avoiding getting with gentlemen from across the pond:

“I’ll tell you what, those American lads. They’ll have you knocked up, living in some trailer park, eating squirrell as soon as they’ve looked at ya”

Max Branning on the best way to enchant a woman that you have been interested in for a long time into the bedroom:

“Just chill out will ya. If you want to seal the deal tonight it’s not rocket science is it, just have a bit of a laugh, few drinks, couple of well rehearsed lines. Jodie’s here because she knows you’re a good bloke. You are a good bloke. So just get her hammered. And don’t pull your stitches”